An update on real life and how we will need help

I'm sorry I have been MIA. Here's a quick update on what we have been doing and how you can help when we get home.

 

We have gone to Shamian Island. Here is my buddy Celeste, her pumpkin Ezri, June and I by the Pearl River. It's been overcast and rainy. Lots of rain at night and in the morning, and some during the day. Yaya doesn't like thunder so that's been waking her up at night.

I have lost all decision-making capacity at this point, so Dorothy has stepped in as Sherpa, food-decider, chief bargaining officer and Starbucks delivery lady. I told her today I am just so tired that I would have cried all week long if she wasn't here! For those of you who know her, you know that none of these roles is a stretch in any way. :)

First French fries thanks to auntie Dorothy.

Several people have encouraged me to share the REAL life version of the trip as opposed to just beautiful smiley pics. I am happy to be really really real about mothering and adoption as most people who know me in real life will attest. I simply haven't had the time or energy to blog since Andrew went home to be with the other kids and I traveled to Guangzhou. (I hated the Jinan airport by the time Friday was over.) I was doing great for the first 11 days of the trip and now I have crashed. I am tired and don't feel so great and as I mentioned above, I have lost the ability to make decisions. You try having to choose for yourself and a picky child you just met for every meal for weeks from zillions of choices while strangers sit around observing. I actually dread going to the breakfast bar every morning because it completely overwhelms me (though the majority of the food is delicious). Yaya, like many children, will eat things one day and spit them out the next. Consequently having to get food for her is a daunting task.

I would love to show you her stinker faces because she doesn't smile all the time, but the girl loves the camera and totally cheeses it up as I am sure you have noticed! She hasn't been parented, so naturally, having someone tell her no doesn't make her happy. Life at an orphanage is predictable and regimented so every day now she is having new experiences and needing boundaries set continually because her environment is constantly changing these days. I can tell its unsettling for her and I have not seen much of peaceful June since Thursday. Other people may think she is happy on first glance, but I know enough about her behaviors now to know she is not calm inside. So while we are not dealing with blatant resistance most of the time, thankfully, she definitely has her guard up and wants life on her own terms. Who can blame her, really? Which brings me to the topic of when she comes home.....

Because we are all experiencing a huge shift in our lives and it will be forever changed for all of us, we are going to need some time and space when we get home to move toward the new normal. We definitely need to know that people are there for us (and you guys have been SO ENCOURAGING on this journey. Like amazingly beautifully supportive and helpful) but we won't have the presence of mind to tell you what kind of help we need. So please please don't tell me to call you if I need anything. I won't remember and I won't call. I can't even decide what food to eat for breakfast right now, remember? We will need meals or gift certificates for take out (see Facebook group for link), we will need prayers, we will need people to come take our other kids for a play date so they can get a fun break from the crazy new normal, and we will need people to help us help June.

The best way you can help June when we get home is by helping her figure out that mom and dad are mom and dad. We ask that others please not feed her or accept hugs from her or pick her up because she will be figuring out healthy interaction with adults and that she shouldn't be seeking comfort from just any old person on the street. In China, any adult woman besides mom is often called Ayi (auntie) as a sign of respect. June only calls me Ayi about 50% of the time currently, which is a great improvement from day 1. But still, she would be helped if people could reinforce that I am this NEW kind of person in her life, called Mama. A great way to help her with this is to say things like, "your Mama will give you a hug" if she is reaching to be picked up or "your mama will give you food," if she seems interested in your food. I have done this for other adoptive moms and their kids, and it's not too hard once you are used to it. The more people we have reinforcing the idea of family for June, the better off she will be. Thanks so much for taking this to heart and for the many ways you have loved June and our family so well already.

Three more sleeps til we get to come home!

 

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A good day

Despite the weirdness of our hotel (they are experiencing growing pains of renovations to match the upscale mall next door as the area is seeking to become a tourist destination) we are right in the middle of a beautiful area of Jinan. We are inside the old city, which is surrounded by the city river. The walk along the river is lovely as you saw in the post from yesterday, and there are also several parks connected by the river. We saw two of them today. This morning we visited Baotu Spring Park with Missy. Jinan is a city with more than 700 natural springs and Baotu Spring is the biggest with water bubbling up from the ground into a pool that is over two meters deep.

Later in the day, after lunch with Missy at our favorite wonton restaurant, we ventured out by ourselves because it was a beautiful day. The wind had blown the smog away for the most part and it was 80 degrees or so. There is a beautiful lake about a 15 minute walk north called Daming Lake. The grounds are beautiful as you can see, with many traditional buildings and bridges. We feel so fortunate to be here this time of year because the weather is lovely and there are so many trees in bloom. It is truly gorgeous.

June Ya-ya seemed a lot more peaceful today. She gave me many kisses riding in the ergo today, and seemed calm and content. She did no crying or crazy laughing - she had been doing a lot of nervous laughing. You can see that she was happy to be walking and holding Baba's hand for a bit today. She remembered to call me Mama quite a bit more than the past few days, too. It's all hard to figure out, I'm sure. But we were encouraged when a grandmotherly woman asked her (in a friendly way) who we were and she identified us as Baba and Mama. We get lots of stares and we just ignore them. But, I was glad we had the opportunity to interact with this grandma because she was very affirming.

 

 

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Jinan city river

Dear Peanut Gallery, I am staying up a little longer to blog for you. In reality, I know that I will never blog about this stuff if I don't get it done now, so I am making myself do it despite exhaustion. It's also nice to have some coherent thinking time while all is quiet.

Jinan has some beautiful places to walk around, and yesterday we went out with Missy to see the local river that surrounds the old part of the city. I have found I love the Chinese aesthetic, especially in the parks. We have the privilege of being here in such a lovely season. Not too hot, but everything has begun to bloom. The willow is the city tree of Jinan. They are all throughout the river walk.

June is enjoying being an only child for the time being, I think. Having the full attention of two grown ups is not something that she is used to! I hope it will ultimately speed the bonding process.

We are pretty lucky. June gives us a LOT of kisses. Sweet girlie.

Today when Andrew was gone, baby girl did quite a bit of crying. It was the first real crying she has done. It was usually about things that she didn't want to do (take a nap, or quit playing a game) but there was a quality of deep sadness about it. I'm sure the reality of it all is setting in for her. This is such an immense amount of change for her. She has gone from orphanage life, smells, food, and friends to fancy hotel life with strange-smelling people and food and parents who can't understand anything she is talking about. (except for the word Ayi, or auntie, which she is used to calling all the women in her life, but now she calls me this name. and we correct her about 700 times a day to help her start to grasp that she now has a permanent woman in her life, day and night)

Pray for June Ya-ya, for her little heart to begin to trust and flourish in our family. And pray for us, that we would have wisdom how to parent in a way that fosters rather than harming the attachment (both on our side and hers). Thank you for coming along on this journey with us.

 

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Family Day and Adoption Day

**** this post had seven pics but our internet was not up to the task****

Sunday Ya-ya got a family! Ya-ya is what June is called here (first name 2x). Today was adoption day where we told the officials, " yup! We want to be her parents." Today was 10 months to the day since we received preapproval to adopt June (which confirmed that we could move forward to adopt her specifically.)

 

I made a little board book ahead of time to explain to Ya-ya that she had a family coming for her and that she would ride a train with her nanny and come to the hotel to stay with Mama and Daddy (Baba in Chinese). In the book I illustrated this panda and told her we will have a panda and lollipop for her. I also drew Daddy and Mama wearing the clothes we wore today. I wanted to describe some things very specifically so she would know some of the things to expect. When I got out the book she showed me her panda and pointed to the panda in the book. It was so amazing that she made that connection.

 

Her nannies must have done great job preparing her because she was ready to meet us and was able to identify us both. When asked who Andrew was, she said right away "Baba!" We are just so excited that she really seems to "get" what is happening. Though I am betting she thinks we live in the hotel and that Jie Jie (big sister) just lives in the phone. Ha ha.

 

Imagine my surprise when Ya-ya instructed me what to do with the stickers and when I finished my task she gave me a big thumbs up! Smarty pants girlie. We were told she only had a few words. She is much more communicative in Chinese than I expected. This is a wonderful thing because it means that she does have the framework for language and it should transfer to an ability to communicate in English.

 

She makes wonderful eye contact and is very social. I read that her orphanage director makes a point that the children receive touch and eye contact daily. I believe it based on how cuddly and comfortable with eye contact she is. Ruth was delighted to hear that June is an extrovert because Ruth loves to talk and can't wait to take her mei mei (little sister) under her wing. Speaking of Ya-ya's extroversion-- we were told that she knows the name of all 30 kids in her group at the orphanage. I was impressed again what this says about her language and also her social skills.

 

To the far left is one of Ya-ya's regular nannies. She has taken care of her for 4 years. The other woman prepares the paperwork at Weifang CWI. We asked about June's 2 best buddies and she said their paperwork will be prepared soon and maybe they will be able to be adopted next year. One is a little boy with Down Syndrome and the other is a girl with a special need they didn't specify. Andrew will visit the orphanage on Wednesday and I hope he can take pictures of them both so we can advocate for them. Both the nannies and our guide felt it is too hard on the kids to leave the orphanage a second time so we took their recommendation and I will stay here with Ya-ya when he goes.

 

 

Now some notes for those who might adopt from Shandong Province.

Today we were busy with paperwork for the morning and then spent some of the afternoon with our wonderful guide, Missy. She took us to a tasty wonton restaurant across the street from our hotel and them stayed and chatted with us while June napped. We requested Missy specifically because we had heard wonderful things about her. If you adopt from Shandong province, get her info from me. You won't be disappointed.

While the temperature in our room has been a bummer (80 degrees due to the unseasonable warm weather and no AC on until April or May), the space in the suites at Crowne Plaza is fantastic. The beds are comfy, especially for China, and the location is great because we can walk to a grocery/department store and also to the park. Don't bother getting the club level upgrade, the evening snacks are minimal (think airplane food in the US) and so I wish I would have just gotten a suite with breakfast instead.

 

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Painting fans in Fuli Town

Today we woke up bright and early due to the time change but that meant we got to sit on our wonderful porch before the night lanterns got turned off for the day.

And enjoy some coffee and listen to the quiet before the honking trucks and motor bikes began.

Today we had the privilege of visiting Fuli, an ancient town that is well known for its fans and beautiful landscape scroll paintings. Our guide Kevin (after his favorite American actor, Kevin Costner) told us Fuli is 1400 years old and his family has been living in the area since the Han Dynasty (206 BC to 220 AD). His family has been painting and passing down this artistry for generations.

Here are some fans drying that are waiting for their bamboo to be inserted. The fruit on them is lychee.

Here is Andrew faithfully painting his bamboo and flowers, which we practiced for probably 4 hours! Kevin's uncle was our instructor. The more we attempted ink painting the more we were impressed with his skills that made each stroke appear effortless.

 

Here is a beautiful ink painting in the traditional Chinese style. The skill it takes to do this is incredible. The number of strokes, textures and shades he was able to accomplish with one brush and one color was astonishing.

Above he is inserting bamboo spokes into my fan. It turns out I am horrible at painting mountains with ink on fans. Andrew's bamboo and flower fan turned out much better than my mountain fan. Below are some of huge fans - 1.5 meters wide- with intricate details.

During our adventure we were served lunch, which was a delicious family recipe over rice. Today was an amazing privilege. We felt very honored to meet this family and spend time in their studio. We picked out a scroll that was painted by Kevin's cousin, who is known for being the best in the area at painting mountains. The scroll we chose is a mixture of traditional Chinese and western style. I liked it because it showed the karst mountains and had my favorite colors.

 

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Yangshuo Mountain Retreat

After a zillion hours of travel (4 flights, 15 hours of layovers and a very speedy 1 hour car ride) we made it to our hotel, had some "welcome tea" and crashed. The car ride was interesting as we passed every single other vehicle on the road. Our driver was going about 25 mph over the speed limit. Granted 80 km per hour was very slow for the road we were on. The 125 km per hour we were traveling was rather craaaazzzyy. Glad this car actually had seat belts! It is totally worth it, though, now that we are here. What a lovely place this is. We are next to the Yulong River and about 10 kilometers outside of Yangshuo town.

We were able to sleep a solid 9 hours from exhaustion and wake up at a normal time here. We chose noodles and fried egg for breakfast and the portions were so big that I couldn't finish. The flavor was lovely and it had some sort of delicious mystery ingredient that we thought might be pickled green beans.

Today we rented bikes from our hotel and took the back way into town. We saw chickens, laundry drying, a couple oxen, lots of half finished buildings and quite a few people going about their daily life on the way. We also passed plenty of people on bikes and motor bikes, along with some crazy mini trucks that had tractor-type engines out front that were so loud and put off lots of exhaust. The wildest one had a tall pile of bamboo teetering precariously. We were lucky to see many sweet children walking home for lunch on our way back from exchanging money. Several of the sweet little kids greeted us with a cheerful "hello!" Most people ignored us, I imagine because this is a tourist area and we are nothing new.

It's such a treat to be able to see in person these Chinese mountains I have always seen in photos.

Riding into town was very fun and quite good exercise. Andrew is much faster than me.

I am wearing my awesome infinity scarf with secret pocket from my mom. It's where I can hide my passport and money, Shh. Don't tell the thugs.

Andrew using FaceTime to chat with Byron for free with wifi. We are fortunate to be well informed about tricks like this due to our awesome Facebook groups of other China adoptive parents.

The rape flower fields are just gorgeous. I was hoping they would be in bloom as I had seen photos of them when researching our trip.

Pretty soon we are getting massages. $20 for a hour was a price we couldn't resist. Signing off for now.

 

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Worth the Fight

Today I have gone all rogue mama-lion. This week we are facing an abnormal and stupid delay in an area that has never caused this kind of problem for any other families I know of. (And I know of hundreds of families who have gone through this process.) My agency has never experienced a delay like this while waiting for Consulate Appointment to be confirmed. I will be calling the consulate tonight because we should have gotten our date days ago.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that every bizarre delay we've had- ones that were during what was supposed to be the easy, no-brainer part of the process- they don't faze me. They don't change my mind about proceeding. Why?

JUNE IS WORTH THE FIGHT. She is worth every phone call, every lost hour of sleep, every day where my heart has dropped to the pit of my stomach, and every dollar spent to pay for adoption fees and Fed Ex shipments. She is precious, she is valuable, she is beautiful and formed in the image of God. I just wanted to take the opportunity to make this clear today.

All over the world, children with Down Syndrome and other special needs are considered less valuable, empty, incapable. This is a LIE. Children with Down Syndrome have beauty to offer the world. Just like every child does. I would even say that they have an extra special beauty and perspective that comes with their extra chromosome. It is a perspective on life that those of us lacking the extra chromosome need desperately!! But in the US, 9 out of 10 of these children are aborted. Their lives snuffed out before they even had the opportunity to bring their unique gifts into the world to share. This is wrong, it's vile and it makes me even more determined to advocate to get June home and make it clear I thought she was worth the blood, sweat and tears.

Add to the beauty, friends, and live your life in such a way that others have the opportunity to add their own beauty, too.